On Fatherhood
Some sappy stuff, a day late
I spent this past weekend out in the Bay Area, at the Science Foo Camp organized by O’Reilly and hosted by Google. This brought together a wide range of very smart people in science-y fields— I got to meet Scott Aaronson in person for the first time, and also Derek Muller of Veritasium (this earned me some cred with The Pip, who discovered those videos completely on his own a little while back)— for a spontaneously organized “unconference” with sessions on a variety of topics. There was also a lot of deliberately unstructured time for conversations over meals and drinks.
This started Friday evening, but the bulk of it was on Saturday, which also happened to be my birthday (though I didn’t publicize that widely). As this type of event is very much My Kind of Thing, that felt kind of right. Less positively, travel to and from the meeting meant that I was away for both of the kids’ “moving up” ceremonies on Friday, marking SteelyKid’s last year of middle school and The Pip’s last year of elementary school, and also Father’s Day on Sunday.
That was a bit on my mind on Sunday morning at breakfast when I found myself in conversation with a couple of life-science guys from Europe. At one point, the subject of kids came up, and the youngest of the three of us said something about not being ready to have kids yet. The other of the two Europeans said something about them being a big drain on time, and I agreed, and then the childless guy said “And now this is the point where you tell me that it’s also very rewarding.” Pretty much oon top of me saying “It’s also very rewarding…”
That led directly into the two of us with kids trying to explain why it’s rewarding to have kids, which as always was weirdly difficult. It’s not like there’s much in the way of a quantitative benefit, after all— I can’t get SteelyKid and The Pip to pick their socks up off the living room floor, let alone do any useful work around the house, and their various recreational activities cost a considerable amount of money. It’s all sort of sappy emotional stuff, which makes it a bit of a tough subject for professional scientists.
It has, however, been immensely satisfying over the last dozen-and-a-bit years to watch SteelyKid (who’ll be 14 in August) and The Pip (11 in November) develop from squalling little bundles of needs into mostly autonomous humans with their own very distinct personalities. SteelyKid has turned out to be extremely social and kind of hyper, exceptionally good at math but also with a highly developed personal aesthetic. The Pip is a little more reserved both socially and sartorially— SteelyKid declared his kakhi-pants-and-navy-shirt moving-up ensemble to be “basic”— but has a quietly wicked sense of humor and a love for all kinds of sports. The photos I combined above were picked in part to illustrate this— SteelyKid’s dress-up clothes were carefully selected and coordinated, and The Pip is shooting baskets in his basic couture while waiting for the bus.
Part of the reward is knowing that I played some role in those developments— both kids do very well in school, some of which traces directly to me and Kate, and they’re particularly strong in math and science and have distinctive writing styles. Another big part of the reward, though, is the surprise of seeing bits emerge that are entirely their own. SteelyKid is absolutely incredible at anything requiring balance and agility, which is baffling as both Kate and I run to the clumsy side. Similarly, The Pip has turned out to be really good at baseball, where I’m just hopeless at any game where you need to hit a ball with a stick (I’m not even much good at golf), and he’s calm and persistent in a way that certainly doesn’t come from me. My sense of aesthetics and personal fashion is only marginally less basic than The Pip’s, so I have no idea where SteelyKid’s flair for this stuff comes from, but it’s fascinating to watch it develop. And so on.
These are fundamentally emotional responses, of course, so I’m not sure our breakfast companion was at all convinced, and I don’t really expect any childless readers of this to get it, either. But as squishy and unquantifiable as all that stuff is, I would also say it’s entirely been worth all the parts that are kind of a drag— the occasional lack of sleep, the warping of adult schedules to fit kid activities, the menu constraints imposed by having to feed two absurdly picky eaters, and the angst of the times when they have to struggle through things that I really can’t fix. It’s really not even a close call.
I’ve been extremely fortunate in my career, and I’m very proud of a lot of my professional successes through the years. I would absolutely put being a father to SteelyKid and The Pip right up at the top of the accomplishments I’m most proud of, though. It’s been awesome watching them grow into the people they’re becoming, and I look forward to many more years of that to come.
This bit of sappy stuff is brought to you by missing my kids for the weekend, and also a bit of jet lag (my flight home landed at basically midnight). It doesn’t happen that often, but if you want to be among the first to see the next time, here’s a button:
If you want to call me a sap, or compliment SteelyKid’s outfit, the comments will be open:
"which is baffling as both Kate and I run to the clumsy side. "
Have you noticed if your mailman or pool guy is athletic?